Three words

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I

LOVE

YOU

**Enough said**

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When youth thinks of snuffing it out

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I don’t know what’s up with kids these days but the thought of suicide seems to come to them easily.

When I was in my teens, I knew about suicide and its implications.

People tend to commit suicide when everything seems to be out of order in their lives. It’s either they experienced a life-altering breakup or heartbreak, they are chest-deep in debts and loans and no possible way of paying up, they are swamped in garbage and it seemed that life is becoming so unfair to them dumping all the problems at their doorstep. Majority of those committing suicide have drowning situations and it seems that the only way out is to take one’s life.

I see it as a lame way out but those are bad-ass problems to have in your life.

However, in the past few days that I have watched news again, I was greeted by suicide and suicide attempts news. Their reasons? One has no tuition fee for school and the other failed to bag the top honors.

IMHO, lame excuses! Even lamer than those mentioned above.

The tuition fee dilemma.

Kristel, a college freshman poisoned herself because her school (University of the Philippines-Manila) made her file for a leave of absence since she can’t pay the semester’s tuition fee.

To have resolved this problem, her parents could have loaned money. I know my mother did just that to pay off my school arrears. She approached our relatives, lending companies and firms, and even the Indians who lent money with high interest rates. Our payments for those loans and debts lasted over a year after I graduated. We were constantly out of our wits all the time but we struggled and we survived.

Or, she could have stopped school for a while if the family could not pull it off. Take a gap year. Work and learn from the best teachers, life and experience. Save up. I know I did. I graduated 7 years after high school, 3 years late. I have forgone going to college for 3 semesters. I worked as a cashier. When I went back to school, I signed up for in-house scholarship through the student publication and did some writing gigs to survive college.

And with our combined efforts, I donned the black cap with flying colors! There were a lot of hardships and setbacks. I almost gave up. But I never did. 

Now, I have a professional license, passed the exam for eligibility to work for the government, and worked for a reputable company. After the hurdles, success was a sweet reward.

I know, for this case, the University of the Philippines could have done better. But still, take your own life? Isn’t that too much?

The top-honors drama

A little over a week after the Kristel’s suicide news, a high school sophomore has attempted to end her life because she did not make it to the top of her class this year.

Right. Commit suicide just because you did not bag the top spot. Oh, I should have killed myself some ten years ago because I did not get the class valedictorian spot of our class.

Honors don’t make you as a student. It’s a reward given to the efforts you have shelled out throughout the year. If you did not get it then try harder. Compete with yourself and not with others.

New millennium kids and their low self-esteem

Whatever is happening to kids nowadays is disturbing. They seem to have low emotional quotient, low self-esteem, to have thought of suicide as a way out.

 Taking away your life is not an answer to all your problems. What does this imply?

  1. You are a coward. Instead of facing your problems head on and try to resolve it, you just quit.
  2. Your problems will still exist even after your death. You resolved nothing!
  3. You add pain and suffering to your surviving family. Financially, if you survived, your hospital bills will set them back a couple of grand; if you die, your wake and burial will set them back a couple more. Emotionally, they will be disheartened thinking what they have done wrong to make you feel that no one was there with you to help you solve your problems.
  4. The generation after you would take from you. They’d think that the only way out is OUT!

Kids, in general, should be taught that snuffing it out is never a solution. That it would just cause more hurts and pains. They should be brought up with a positive outlook in life. That even though the struggles in life abound they should face it head on solve it and learn from it. They should also feel that their family, or support group, is there to help them.

If only our kids are taught this way, then maybe suicide would be the last thing in their minds.

Top 10 Perks of watching movies alone

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1. No competition over food.

2. No one bothering and asking WH questions onset and after the movie.

3. No pressure for small talks.

4. I can sit anywhere I like, any way I want.

5. I can come and go any time without leaving anyone.

6. I can sleep during the movie without ignoring anyone.

7. No pressure of finding adjacent seats especially for blockbuster movies.

8. No wasted time spent waiting for each other before going to the cinema.

9. For impulse watching, no fighting over what movie to watch.

10. I can ogle at someone – the actor on-screen or the guy nearby – without someone telling me off.

She is a mother

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I first met her when she brought me out in this world twenty-something years ago.

Before that she carried me inside her tummy for nine months. She nurtured me during my entire helpless existence.

Throughout school and beyond, she supported me in all my endeavors. She was, is, and always there; ups, downs, middle-grounds.

She is my number one fan.

She is my cheerleader.

She is my mentor.

She is my critic.

She is a shoulder to cry on. She’s been there for quite so long.

She is the one who loved me unconditionally.

She is a mother.

She is MY MOTHER.

Susubok lang!

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Andito na naman ako. Umaasa.

Siguro dala na rin ng edad at dala na rin ng isiping napapanahon na para masubukan ko namang magkaroon ng karelasyon. Totoong karelasyon.

Pero di ko alam kung dapat ko bang pagtiwalaan ang sarili ko lalo na pagdating sa kanya.

Oo. Balik na naman ako sa pag-iisip na maaring maging kami ng una kong pag-ibig. Buhay na naman sa akin ang proverbial “first love never dies”. Pero ang masaklap, gustung-gusto ko ang ipinapahiwatig niya sa akin ngayon.

Matagal na kaming nagpapatintero sa larangang ito.

Magkaibigan kami, it’s a given. Magkakilala na kami simula pa noong high school. Pwede mong sabihing semi-barkada ko siya since we are in the same circle dahil sa org na sinalihan namin. Alam ko ang ilan sa mga feats niya sa larangan ng pag-ibig. Pahapyaw man niyang nakukuwento o ipinaparating sa akin ng mga common friends namin.

Sinubukan ko ring tawirin ang boundary ng pagkakaibigan namin sa pag-asang baka kung malaman niyang may gusto ako sa kanya ay magkagusto rin siya sa akin – o maisipan niyang pwede niya rin akong magustuhan. Na nauwi naman sa isang masakit na pagtanggi sa parte niya at pagkawasak ng mundo sa parte ko. Ilang taon ding naging tahimik ang linya ng komunikasyon sa pagitan namin. Taon din ang itinakbo.

Nagbalik lang ang kung ano meron kami bago ang masaklap na pangyayari sa pagitan namin noong mga panahong naisip ko ang malaking katangahang nagawa ko. Muli, nagkita kami. Sa muling pagkikitang ito ramdam ko pa rin ang kasabikan ngunit bawas na ng higit kaysa noong malaki pa ang pagkakagusto ko sa kanya. Sakto lang ang pagbalik niya. Iyon ang panahon na totoong nag-move on na ako at naisip kong hanggang magkaibigan lang kami.

Masaya ako kasi kahit papaano naalis sa pagitan namin ang ilangan. Muli, nagbalik ang dating pagkakaibigan. Madalas na uli kaming nakakapag-usap. Bumalik ang dating pagkakaibigan. Sa tingin ko nga parang mas higit pa siya sa dating kung ano mayroon sa pagitan namin. Nagagawa na naming mag-inisan, mag-pikunan, mag-asaran, at higit sa lahat magtawanan sa tuwing nakakapag-usap o nakakapag-text kami sa isa’t-isa.

Isang taon. Dalawang taon. Sa mga panahong lumipas, mula sa simpleng pakikipagbatuhan ng salita minsan nauuwi kami sa usapang pag-ibig…

Bagong relasyon. Hiwalayan. Balikan. Muling hiwalayan. Bagong pinagkakainteresan. Pagkawala ng napipintong pag-ibig. ‘Di ko namalayan nauwi kami sa usapang baka sa pagdating ng panahon, sa dami ng pag-ibig na dumaan, aniya’y maaaring kami rin ang magkakatuluyan. Na kami ang nararapat sa isa’t-isa

Natawa ako. Natuwa. Nabigla. Napaisip.

Maaari. Sa tagal ba naman ng pagmimithi ko sa kanya noon parang naging dream come true ang proposition niyang iyon. Kung iisipin, ipinagdasal ko siya, hiniling sa mga bituin, sa buwan, sa wishing well. Matagal kong pinangarap na dumating ang panahon na maisip niyang ako ang babaeng magmamahal sa kanya ng totoo, magmamahal sa kanya ng walang pasubali.

Maaari. Kilala ko na siya. Alam kong kahit may topak, matinong tao siya. Mapagmahal sa pamilya. Alam ko kung gaano niya kamahal ang nanay niya. Katulad ng pagmamahal ko sa aking ina. Dito magkakasundo kami. Alam ko din kung paano siya magmahal. Minsan din akong naging saksi sa loyalty niya sa naging nobya niya noon. May matinong trabaho, may direksiyon sa buhay, may pangarap. Higit sa lahat alam ng lahat na pogi din naman siya, walang kokontra doon.

Pag-aalinlangan. May setback lang sa proposition na ‘to. Naisip ko rin na parang lugi ako. Parang sa kalagayang ito, last choice ako. Parang nahulog na ako ang napili niya kasi wala na siyang pagpipilian. Kumbaga nag-end of the world na at wala nang natira kundi kaming dalawa. Magiging choosy pa ba siya? Kumbaga ako yung latak na kung kailan naubos na ang magagandang parte ng buhay, wala na siyang pagpipilian kundi simutin ang mumo na naiwan.

Pag-aalinlangan. Kaya ko bang mag-settle sa usapang alam ko naman na hindi kasing tindi ng inaasahan ko ang mararamdaman ng napipintong partner ko sa buhay sa akin? Alam ko kasing madali akong mahulog ulit sa kanya. Sa naging nakaraan ko sa kanya malaki ang posibilidad na muli na naman akong mahumaling sa – kung hindi pa man nangyari na ulit ang kinatatakutan ko. Malamang jaded na talaga ako pagdating sa kanya kaya alam ko talagang malamang ‘di ko na maaasahan ang sarili ko sa pagdedesisyon tungkol sa kanya.

Kaya matindi ang dilemma kung paniniwalaan ko ba o iisipin kong paasa lang talaga siya?

Pero heto na ‘to eh. Minsan lang ‘to dumating sa buhay ko. Ang lalaking halos buong puberty period and beyond kong hinintay dumating na sa doorstep ko. Papakawalan ko pa ba ‘to?

Siguro kahit masaktan na ako at lahat, susugalan ko ‘to. Sabi nga ng ilang kaibigan ko, “it’s about time!”

Kaya ariba na ‘to! Bahala na si Wonderwoman! Arya! 

So much for Fire Prevention Month

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We had an almost tragedy here. Smoke that smelled like burnt rubber billowed in all directions from our neighbor’s house.

Their house was directly next to ours. We have at least twenty houses linked to each other. All our houses were made of light materials that would easily be eaten by fire.

Everybody’s adrenalin was shot at the highest level. But what was worse? Their 2 children — one 12 and the other 1 year old — was left inside their house.

Good thing a neighbor was courageous enough to brave the smoke-filled house and check where the smoke came from. It was from their LPG stove. The mother, according to her husband, was sterilizing her baby’s bottles and left it unattended. The water evaporated entirely and the bottles were melted fully leaving burnt plastic.

Well, that’s a big-ass bummer! A lot of mothers had panic attacks gathering their kids. A lot of men were running back and forth gathering valuables. It was a relief to have the almost-fire shot down before it rose up to a tragedy.

People need to be vigilant about these things. It was one thing to have lost stuff due to fortuitous events, but a man-made disaster made by irresponsible people is so unacceptable. Endangering the community just because you were acting irresponsible is an offense your neighbors won’t take lightly. Tsk!

So much for Fire Prevention Month.

Status: In a Relationship

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Changed relationship status from Single to In a Relationship with …

 Yan ang sumalubong sa akin ng muli kung buksan ang Facebook account ko sa computer. The status isn’t mine but my “first love’s”.

 In a Relationship. Napakagandang basahin. Nakakakilig damhin. Napakabigat sa akin.

 Hindi lang siguro ako sanay, o masasanay, na kahit kailan ‘di ako nagustuhan ng first love ko. Hindi lang din siguro matanggap ng utak ko at ng puso ko na kahit kailan ‘di man lang tumimo sa isip ng unang minahal ko ang damdaming pinangarap kong ialay niya sa akin.

 Masakit kasi hanggang ngayon sariwa pa rin sa utak ko ang pangarap ko noon. Na sana ako na lang ang pinili niya. Na sana ako na lang minahal niya. Na sana ako.

 Naging theme song ko dati ang pang-ambisyosang awit ni Bituin Escalante habang pinapangarap kong maging girlfriend niya. Pati na rin ang makabagbag-damdaming Art of Letting Go ni Mikylla habang pinipilit ko ang sarili kong makalimutan siya. Para nga akong timang noong mga panahong iyon kasi kailangan kong i-let go ang isang bagay na kahit kailan naman ay ‘di naging akin.

 Mahirap talaga ang masadlak ka sa isang one-sided relationship wherein ikaw at ikaw lang ang nagmamahal. Kahit anong pangangarap mong ma-reciprocate niya ang damdamin mo, wala pa ding mangyayari kasi nga, in the first place, ‘di naman siya kailanman naging interesado sa iyo.

 Pero ang mas masakit at mas mahirap tanggapin ay kapag naipahayag mo na ang damdamin mong wagas sa kanya subait sa huli ang maririnig mo lang ay hindi talaga siya kailanman nagkaroon ng pagtinging laan para sa isang minamahal para sa iyo. Sabihin mo man sa kanya at sa sariling mong “ang sabi ko mahal kita, ‘di ko naman sinabing mahalin mo din ako”, tagos pa rin sa puso, buto, at kalamnan ang sakit kasi alam mong niloloko mo lang ang sarili mo. Mararamdaman mo pa rin na gusto mong magbigti dahil sa nararamdaman mong hapdi (of course figuratively speaking lang).

 Kaya malamang itatanong mo sa sarili mo, bakit nga ba ‘di niya ako kailanman nagustuhan bilang ka-ibigan? At ang conclusion na dadapo sa utak mo ay malamang na hindi ka kagandahan, sadyang malupit si Kupido sa iyo, o ‘di kaya’y maepal lang talaga si kapalaran. Tapos magse-self pity ka. Magtatago ka sa proverbial shell, itatayo ang cliché walls sa paligid mo, at i-de-declare mong love-phobic ka na for the rest of your life. Magpipilit kang lumimot. Sa tuwing makakasalubong ka nang potential na mamahalin iisipin mong wala itong patutunguhan kasi mauulit na naman ang pangyayaring ikaw at ikaw lang ang magmamahal. Lahat ng ito dahil lang sa isang naunsiyaming unang pag-ibig.

 Sa tagal ng panahon na dinala mo ang pag-ibig sa kanya natatak na sa utak mo na siya na ang iyong greatest love; wala nang papantay, wala nang hihigit, walang sinuman ang makapapalit.

 Yeah sure, may isang papasok na magugustuhan mo kunwa. Ngunit sa huli babalik at babalik pa rin sa kanya. Kung anuman ang maramdaman mo sa bagong “pag-ibig” na darating tatatak pa din sa isip mo kung kaya mo pa rin bang magmahal nang katulad ng pagmamahal mo sa unang minahal mo ng sobra.

 Doon magsisimula ang pagdadalawang-isip sa bagong dumating at sa sarili mong gustong umibig. At mawawalan na naman ng saysay ang lahat. Lahat ng ito dahil lang sa isang naunsiyaming unang pag-ibig.

 Ngayon, ang aking naunsiyaming unang pag-ibig, Status: In Relationship.

 Napaisip ako, nag-o-over lang pala ako sa pag-asang darating ang panahon na mapapamahal ako sa kanya. While I was busy carrying a torch for him, hayun siya at malayang nagmahal. Nagmahal siya, nabigo. Nagmahal ulit, nabigo, at muling nagmahal. Ngayon, steady na sila nang girlfriend niya samantalang ako nanatiling pinangarap siya. Katangahan ng sobrang-sobra up to the point na bibirit ka ng “kasalanan ko ba kung iniibig kita ‘di ko naman sinasadya…” sa videoke.